Wouldn't you just love this scarf? I have actually been hunting one down. No lie! Searching at every Charlotte Russe I could find. No luck!!! But Trina is currently hosting a giveaway for this scarf. I first seen it on one of her YouTube videos. If you are like me, head over to her blog and enter. You can also enter on her twitter page. Check out her blog. It is so much fun! XOXO
I have the entire week off. And I don't know what to do with myself. Today, I decided to go to Costco. When I was little, it was a favorite of mine. We would go 2X's a month. And stock up on food. My mom didn't cook. We lived off of frozen food, sandwiches, and takeout. No lie! Costco was were we went for all of our food. I grew up eating frozen chicken and drinking Kool-Aid (punch flavor) by the gallon. For lunch, I always had fruit snacks and mini juices.
As an adult, I missed going to Costco. But I didn't have the money. I didn't have the money for a membership. Or to buy the food. Who can really afford to buy those big packs of toilet paper and trail mix when you work at a dry cleaners? I couldn't. I did without Costco until last year.
Last year, PH and I were talking one night. I was telling him about Costco. How I loved to go eat all the free samples. He had no clue what I was talking about. What? How could you not know about Costco? Even I knew about it! And I grew up in the desert SW. Where we don't get good stores! The next day, we looked for our nearest Costco. We became members. I think PH tried every sample there! We bought so much stuff. I think he bought everything we had sampled! We almost couldn't fit it all into the truck!!! I couldn't believe it. I think we spent $2500. On toilet paper, food, a bike, bath towels, and some jeans. It was ridiculous!!! But it was the 1st time PH had ever been there.
After that, we didn't quite spend so much money. We probably went together every 6 weeks. I would go every 2 weeks. I can't cook, but PH did the cooking. I would shop for most of our food at Costco. Buy all of our paper stuff there. And our snacks. That kind of thing.
Well, since we separated in June, I haven't gone but once. Because a pack of toilet paper, lasts a long time. 1 person can't use all of that! And food, well I don't cook. I can buy what I eat, at the local grocery store. But I have the next week off. And my supplies is starting to go down. I decided to go to Costco today.
I got there when it opened. And I stayed until 4PM!!! I ate and ate samples. I bought lots of things. I have so much baked goods, I think I might have to freeze them. I need to call my bestie 1st to find out how to do that. My pantry is stocked with giant boxes of cereal and bags of popcorn as big as me. I also have those gallon containers of Kool-Aid and lemonade. I bought some gum and candy. A bag of apples. The gallon size shampoo and conditioner. I even bout 2 books.
It is all finally put away. And I feel good. Today was the start of my vacation. I couldn't think of a better way to spend it. Shopping through that concrete warehouse. I also have a hot pizza. Waiting to be eaten! I just love Costco pizza! XOXO
My husband is officially off of work. Off the traveling side until February. But off of work. It is his vacation time. The last 10+ months...have been a a whirlwind to say the least!!!
Most people's work year starts in January. His starts in February. Most people work throughout the year, in 1 place. He travels for over 10 months out of the year. This year, has brought so much. We got married weeks into his work schedule. We planned on a summer Honeymoon. We never took it though. Late in the spring, I miscarried our baby. A baby we never knew about, until it was too late. Then we separated in the early summer.
This has been such a tough year. And a year that has been up and down for him, both in work and in personal life. There were so many changes going on. We separated. I returned to working. And living on my own. I got most of my information about PH from coworkers and my bestie. It was so tough.
But tonight, his work is over. This year, in terms of work, is over. For him. And it is time to figure out where the 2 of us go from here. I don't want to go and hunt him down immediately. But, he is done with work. I hear he is going to go spend some time with his sister and go on a hunting trip with his buddies. But, we need to talk. And figure out the next move for us.
I can't continue to live like this. I can't continue to not talk to him. But love him this much. We can't live separate lives and still be married. To still be committed to one another, but not talk to each other. This is not working the way it is. And we need to fix it. Whether we go forward together and work at our marriage. Or if we decide to part ways and get divorced. We have a few short weeks to decide, before he is back on the road. And we need to make some serious changes. XOXO
I have never seen the movie Casanova. It was coming out on TV earlier. So I sat and watched it. It is a really good movie. I just wonder, why did it take me this long to watch it? I want to go buy it now. Funny how you find movies like this when you're not even looking. But I am glad that I was doing that mindless TV surfing this afternoon.
Tonight, I am sitting here trying to write out a Christmas list. My mom doesn't talk to me anymore. She pretty much disowned me when PH and I started dating. Because she couldn't understand how a man like him, could love me. Like I was not worthy enough to be loved by someone who is financially together. Who makes more money in one week, than she does all year. Believe me, I can't understand it either. But to be honest her, she has resented me all my life. Like I was the reason for all her problems. This was just an excuse for her not to talk to me anymore.
But she still doesn't talk to me. And because she rules the rest of my family, they don't talk to me either. I don't much care. Except I miss my little brother and my grandma. I wish I could send them a gift. Or help them out. Now that I am financially taken care of, I want to help them out. But I can't. My dad, well we don't talk. I had a rough childhood. He was nowhere near "Father of the Year." And after the divorce, he just didn't really care. We didn't get along. And he was all of a sudden, off the hook. He not only moved a few 1000 miles away. We pretty much stopped talking.
That leaves my friends. My close friends, the ones that I had from the time we moved out here, until me and PH started dating, they don't talk to me. They came out and told me that I am not "worthy enough to be with PH." WTF does that mean? I thought they would be happy for me. But they're not.
My Christmas list does have a lot of really sweet people on it. I have been lucky to have the best bestie in the world!!! For over 21 years, we have been as "thick as thieves." Along the way, we lost touch for a few years. It was bound to happen. We lived on separate ends of the USA. But we found our way back. And for the last 2 years, there is no one else that I can turn to more. She has been right by my side through it all. Falling in love, getting married, losing my baby, and the separation. She is right here. I couldn't find a better friend!!!
And of course there is D. He is an incredible guy. He really stepped up after the separation. He helped move me into my house, let me work for him, and even deals with my meltdowns at work. He is a good guy.
Count so far...2...I wish it was 4!
There are also all the amazing people that I have met in the last 2 years. But that I have really leaned on, in the last 6 months. LJ is so high up there. I look at her as a mom. Her daughter, and granddaughters also top the list. The amazing ladies I work with. PH's housekeeper. Friends and coworkers.
Count 6...plus an army of friends!!!
Then there is PH. What do I do? We are married...but separated. Legally bound. But so far apart. I want to get him something. But I don't know what. What is too much? What is not enough? What is appropriate? I don't know any of those answers! I wish I did!!! I put his name down...then scratched it out. 10 times!!! I guess I just need to figure it out. XOXO
I'm trying really hard to keep busy. That could be why I ended up at work so early today. I was 30 minutes early. And had to call the building. Praying someone from the cleaning crew would answer. Thank God, they answered the phone and let me in. I went around doing a lot of things in those 30 minutes. I made coffee, called for donuts, listened to messages, started checking emails, tweeted, read through some important papers, and even talked to a lawyer. Not for me, but for work.
I kept the pace going all day. I didn't even really take a lunch break. I was too busy working!!! And I even stayed late, when we needed to finish up some things. I don't mind any of that. I like to work. I like to feel needed. Like I am contributing in some way.
Then I had to come home. I try to do things around here. But I'm not "domestic" in any sense of the word. I ordered some pizza and a salad. Because I can't cook. Let's be honest, I don't even wash dishes. What would I do without my dishwasher? I blame my mom. She herself never did any of these things. How was I supposed to learn? I can do laundry. I've been doing my own, almost my entire life. I keep my house clean. But that's about where it ends for me.
Everything in my house, is where my bestie put it. She asked me what colors I liked. I didn't really know. So she brought over a color book. I don't know if that is what it's called. But that is what I call it. It has all kinds of color samples, fabric samples, etc. I picked out colors. She took me to a bunch of stores, and I picked out things that I liked. But I didn't know how to put them together.
My bestie came to the rescue. She oversaw it all. The painters, a contractor, and all the decorating. After they painted and put up some shelves and those boards (some kind of trim around the floor, windows, etc.), she came in and did her magic. She decorated from top to bottom. Putting everything in just the perfect spot. Organizing my closet, the kitchen drawers, heck even the refrigerator!!! Nothing has really changed. I still buy the same kind of flowers that she had in the vases!!!
But I don't really do anything around my house. I clean. But 1 person, I only need to really clean up the place once a week. I do laundry. But even that doesn't take long. I don't have any real hobbies. I need to find more things to keep me busy around the house. Because I don't know if D is OK with me spending 12 hours at work every day. I might start to break him with all the overtime! XOXO
I was reading through my bestie and D's tweets earlier today. They make me sick, but in a good way. Life right now, is not being too kind to them. Not as a pair, but individually. But they stick together like glue. Instead of running away from each other, they cuddle up together. They take the time out of their day, to remember each other. To spend a few moments together. Wrapped up in each other's arms.
The thing that I miss most about my husband, is cuddling. We used to fall asleep wrapped up in each other's arms. I used to wake up, with his arm tightly wrapped around my waist or my back. I miss that. I miss that more than you can imagine!!! I miss watching TV, snuggled into him. Hearing his heartbeat. Smelling his cologne. I miss him. I miss our snuggling.
There was just something about those tweets that made me think of PH. Think of how many times a day we would wrap ourselves up together. Just to hangout. Maybe to watch TV. Whatever. We would snuggle up together. And I miss that. I miss him being right here with me. I wish we would have been more like our friends. Would have cuddled up together, instead of run away from one another, when times got rough. XOXO
Do you remember when I entered the contest at Grosgrain? It was sponsored by Becky. You can go look at her shop and her blog. Both are really neat! She makes some of the most gorgeous jewelry!
I had a post about the beautiful jewelry. I really wanted it too! I sat and dreamt about it. How it would look with my work clothes. I talked LJ's ear off about it. I showed her Becky's shop and everything. I had my fingers, toes, everything crossed. I was like a little kid!
And I won! I just found out. I went to go read Grosgrain before I left for work. Trying to keep up on my blog reading. I was looking over on the sidebar, and there was the link to the winner. I clicked on it and there it was...The Blond! I am so excited! You see, I never win a thing. So this is pretty exciting for me! Today is going to be a good day. I can just tell! Thank you Kathleen and Becky!!! XOXO
And he didn't even know it! My bestie called me earlier today. Just to let me know there had been a car crash. Before she got everything out, my imagination was running wild. I thought my husband had been hurt. I was kicking myself in the butt. How could we be fighting? What if he was seriously hurt across the country? What was I going to do?
Then my bestie yelled at me. I don't know if I was losing it on the phone or what. But she snapped me out of it! And continued to explain what had happened. My husband was already at work when it happened. He was not involved. But she didn't want me to panic if I had heard anything.
So much for that, huh? My husband doesn't even know it, but he almost caused me to have a heart attack. I guess that is a good sign that I still love him! XOXO
I heard this song earlier this week. My bestie left some CDs her boyfriend's office. They are out of town. And he called to ask me, to go look for something in his office. I headed back to work. To dig around for this piece of paper that he needed so desperately.
He had left a CD player on pause. I hit play and started my search. Norah Jones? Not his style at all. But definitely something my bestie would play! Definitely! The 2nd or 3rd song that played was Until the End. Everything about that song, is completely describing their lives. Their relationship.
He's got a famous last name. My bestie doesn't care though. She loves him, in spite of the name. She is probably the only person in the world that sees him for him. Not for the name. She always wants to be more like him. More relaxed. More laid back. But she is so damn determined to make it on her own, that she is always on the go. Always trying to get to work. Trying to pack 10,000 into one day.
That song, in all of its oddness, is the 2 of them. They are each other's other half. They see past the public persona. He sees her for her sweet soul. She sees him for the loving man. No matter what, at the end of the day, isn't that what we all want. For someone to love us in spite of our flaws.
I wanted to post the song. But I didn't know what it was called. Then I thought, maybe by chance, they had it posted on their blog. Sure enough. I found it. Funny that a lot of the things I thought to be similar, were things that my bestie had already blogged about! XOXO
This has just been one of those weeks! One of those crazy ones. The kind that start off bad on Monday and continue to go downhill. And fast! I have never been so excited to see the weekend roll around. I know that I shouldn't feel this way. But I just can't help it! I am so happy that today is Friday. And I don't have to go back to work until Monday!
A year ago, my weeks would have been flopped the other way. I also didn't work. Wasn't married. Was in a very loving relationship. And would wake up every morning, next to the love of my life. We traveled Thursday-Sunday. Every week. Monday and Tuesday were our weekends.
But life changes. And it changes quickly! Now, I am just happy that it is Friday. That I can live in my pjs all weekend. I can order pizza and watch Chick flicks until the cows come home! And for 48 hours, I don't have to worry about work! XOXO
1. The last band I saw live was my bestie and her band.
2. What I look forward to most on Thanksgiving is eating. (if you don't celebrate thanksgiving, insert your favorite holiday)
3. My Christmas/holiday shopping is not even started.
4. Thoughts of my somewhat failed relationship fill my head.
5. I wish I could wear a bikini.
6. Bagpipes are cool.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to doing nothing, tomorrow my plans include doing laundry and Sunday, I want to sleep in!
XOXO
Tonight I went to Target. It had been a long and hard day at work. Something that I don't complain about. I like working hard. It makes me feel important, needed. But after work, I was beat. I needed a few things and planned a quick trip to Target, then to pick up something to eat. I figured I would veg out on the couch and watch all the good shows on ABC.
But when I got to Target, I got side tracked. Things caught my eye. Things I would never have expected. Baby stuff. I browsed through the baby department for over an hour. Just thinking. Thinking about what might have been. By now, I would be in the 3rd trimester of my pregnancy. Would PH and I still be happy? Would we be excited for our baby to come? Would we be ready to be parents? Would the baby be a boy or a girl?
I sat there for a long time wondering all of these things. Thinking about PH. Wondering what he was doing at this very moment in time. Does he ever think of the baby we lost? Or is it too hard for him? Will we make it? Will the 2 of us ever be able to put all of this past us? Or are we destined to repeat our parents' patterns? And end up divorced...
I can't help but wonder how different my life would be right now. If only our baby had survived. If only we had known. I miss our baby. Because for a brief moment in time, I knew about this baby, that my husband and I had made out of love. I fell in love with our precious baby. And I hope that our Little Angel will help his/her parents, to find their way back to one another. XOXO
I have a lot of people to Thank for this amazing job that I have. Starting with my bestie. I know that she was an essential person to me getting this job. I couldn't be happier. I don't mind the desk work. You know, all the paperwork, answering phones, being people's assistant. I have even gotten to love taking the dogs on walks, ordering lunch, and the personal errands. I don't mind those things anymore.
But I have got to say, I have the coolest job ever! My boss is a very important person. Not to mention, he is totally in love with my bestie! But we get to do some pretty cool projects. Like tonight. We are going to this event. And he is definitely flying VIP style. It is so cool to just be here. I am his assistant for the night. I don't care. Give me the cell, jacket, whatever, and I will carry it!
If it means getting to be here tonight, I totally don't mind! I wish PH would have come. This is one of those events that you would like to share with the people you love. But I totally get it to. Things between us are just too hard to deal with right now.
In the meantime, we are just enjoying the "swag". The real fun is tonight. I get to go have my hair and makeup done. And I got a pretty new dress and shoes. All for this event. It is a really cool job. I'm glad that we get to have a little fun, after the scandal that I had to work on yesterday. This job has more peaks and valleys than a roller coaster! I am just glad that I get to take some time to enjoy the peaks! XOXO
I decided to leave Las Vegas. I still had a few days that I could have stayed. The boss had given me off until Wednesday. And the room was paid for. But what's the point? PH decided to not show up. Not at all. Not even for a few hours! The whole reason I came, was to see him. OK, I wanted to see my bestie perform too. But I wanted to see PH.
This would have been the best situation for both of us. We would have been surrounded by lots of people. An equal amount of friends. Not too awkward or scary. Just the 2 of us, and about 20 of our closest friends. Who knows, we might have gotten a chance to talk. We might have felt sparks. I don't know! But the last time we were out here, we were getting married.
I just couldn't take being here any more. I kept seeing the insane chemistry between my bestie and my boss. They are so perfect for each other. And then there were all these happy and pregnant women. Everyone just so in love. I couldn't take it. I figure I can at least go home and work. Get lost in some sort of project or whatever. I just needed to leave Las Vegas. I was literally running out of air to breath! XOXO
Last night was a blast! I have to say that much. My bestie really does have a way of making one blond forget all her problems. She performed, and performed, and performed some more! Girl has got more energy than a firecracker! Not like me. It is nearly noon here, and I am barely waking up!
I decided to sit backstage and watch last night. My bestie performed 2 shows. And had a millions costume changes. They have this really cool "quick change" thing set up. It is something like a one man tent, that you would play in as a kid. Her makeup/hair person and stylist were always ready for her. They knew exactly how minutes they had between each change. And exactly what she was going to need. The minute she was off stage, shoes were flying off! And it took all of 2 minutes for a complete costume change. And hair and makeup touch up.
It was a neat thing to see. They are so super organized. And the clothes, jewelry, and shoes that she gets to wear. Wow! Some of the stuff is borrowed from designers. Some is made just for her. And all of it is gorgeous! She had 50 pairs of those shoes with the red bottoms. I don't know what they are called. But I know that they are ridiculously expensive. And the jewelry. The jewelry! She had a bodyguard with her at all times. That is because she was dripping in diamonds.
It made me laugh. He stood right outside of her dressing room while she got ready. Then he walked her from the dressing room, to right off stage. Where the group does a prayer. Then followed the band to the stage. He stood right off stage. The entire time watching her. Then after the 2nd show, the band had to go to a party. The bodyguard went with them. And followed her around the party.
At the end of the night. I should actually say, early this morning, she gave back the jewels. And went back to be her usual self. But this is a nightly thing. Every night that she performs, she has a bodyguard.
It was a fun night. The groups perform amazingly! Now I can see why people pay her what they do. And why so many people want her to record music. But we had a blast. I got to meet a ton of new people. From cowboys to mafia. Las Vegas is a very interesting place! XOXO
