Saturday, November 21, 2009

Casanova and Christmas Lists

I have never seen the movie Casanova. It was coming out on TV earlier. So I sat and watched it. It is a really good movie. I just wonder, why did it take me this long to watch it? I want to go buy it now. Funny how you find movies like this when you're not even looking. But I am glad that I was doing that mindless TV surfing this afternoon.

Tonight, I am sitting here trying to write out a Christmas list. My mom doesn't talk to me anymore. She pretty much disowned me when PH and I started dating. Because she couldn't understand how a man like him, could love me. Like I was not worthy enough to be loved by someone who is financially together. Who makes more money in one week, than she does all year. Believe me, I can't understand it either. But to be honest her, she has resented me all my life. Like I was the reason for all her problems. This was just an excuse for her not to talk to me anymore.

But she still doesn't talk to me. And because she rules the rest of my family, they don't talk to me either. I don't much care. Except I miss my little brother and my grandma. I wish I could send them a gift. Or help them out. Now that I am financially taken care of, I want to help them out. But I can't. My dad, well we don't talk. I had a rough childhood. He was nowhere near "Father of the Year." And after the divorce, he just didn't really care. We didn't get along. And he was all of a sudden, off the hook. He not only moved a few 1000 miles away. We pretty much stopped talking.

That leaves my friends. My close friends, the ones that I had from the time we moved out here, until me and PH started dating, they don't talk to me. They came out and told me that I am not "worthy enough to be with PH." WTF does that mean? I thought they would be happy for me. But they're not.

My Christmas list does have a lot of really sweet people on it. I have been lucky to have the best bestie in the world!!! For over 21 years, we have been as "thick as thieves." Along the way, we lost touch for a few years. It was bound to happen. We lived on separate ends of the USA. But we found our way back. And for the last 2 years, there is no one else that I can turn to more. She has been right by my side through it all. Falling in love, getting married, losing my baby, and the separation. She is right here. I couldn't find a better friend!!!

And of course there is D. He is an incredible guy. He really stepped up after the separation. He helped move me into my house, let me work for him, and even deals with my meltdowns at work. He is a good guy.

Count so far...2...I wish it was 4!

There are also all the amazing people that I have met in the last 2 years. But that I have really leaned on, in the last 6 months. LJ is so high up there. I look at her as a mom. Her daughter, and granddaughters also top the list. The amazing ladies I work with. PH's housekeeper. Friends and coworkers.

Count an army of friends!!!

Then there is PH. What do I do? We are married...but separated. Legally bound. But so far apart. I want to get him something. But I don't know what. What is too much? What is not enough? What is appropriate? I don't know any of those answers! I wish I did!!! I put his name down...then scratched it out. 10 times!!! I guess I just need to figure it out. XOXO