What an End!!!

My husband is officially off of work. Off the traveling side until February. But off of work. It is his vacation time. The last 10+ months...have been a a whirlwind to say the least!!!

Most people's work year starts in January. His starts in February. Most people work throughout the year, in 1 place. He travels for over 10 months out of the year. This year, has brought so much. We got married weeks into his work schedule. We planned on a summer Honeymoon. We never took it though. Late in the spring, I miscarried our baby. A baby we never knew about, until it was too late. Then we separated in the early summer.

This has been such a tough year. And a year that has been up and down for him, both in work and in personal life. There were so many changes going on. We separated. I returned to working. And living on my own. I got most of my information about PH from coworkers and my bestie. It was so tough.

But tonight, his work is over. This year, in terms of work, is over. For him. And it is time to figure out where the 2 of us go from here. I don't want to go and hunt him down immediately. But, he is done with work. I hear he is going to go spend some time with his sister and go on a hunting trip with his buddies. But, we need to talk. And figure out the next move for us.

I can't continue to live like this. I can't continue to not talk to him. But love him this much. We can't live separate lives and still be married. To still be committed to one another, but not talk to each other. This is not working the way it is. And we need to fix it. Whether we go forward together and work at our marriage. Or if we decide to part ways and get divorced. We have a few short weeks to decide, before he is back on the road. And we need to make some serious changes. XOXO

Casanova and Christmas Lists

I have never seen the movie Casanova. It was coming out on TV earlier. So I sat and watched it. It is a really good movie. I just wonder, why did it take me this long to watch it? I want to go buy it now. Funny how you find movies like this when you're not even looking. But I am glad that I was doing that mindless TV surfing this afternoon.

Tonight, I am sitting here trying to write out a Christmas list. My mom doesn't talk to me anymore. She pretty much disowned me when PH and I started dating. Because she couldn't understand how a man like him, could love me. Like I was not worthy enough to be loved by someone who is financially together. Who makes more money in one week, than she does all year. Believe me, I can't understand it either. But to be honest her, she has resented me all my life. Like I was the reason for all her problems. This was just an excuse for her not to talk to me anymore.

But she still doesn't talk to me. And because she rules the rest of my family, they don't talk to me either. I don't much care. Except I miss my little brother and my grandma. I wish I could send them a gift. Or help them out. Now that I am financially taken care of, I want to help them out. But I can't. My dad, well we don't talk. I had a rough childhood. He was nowhere near "Father of the Year." And after the divorce, he just didn't really care. We didn't get along. And he was all of a sudden, off the hook. He not only moved a few 1000 miles away. We pretty much stopped talking.

That leaves my friends. My close friends, the ones that I had from the time we moved out here, until me and PH started dating, they don't talk to me. They came out and told me that I am not "worthy enough to be with PH." WTF does that mean? I thought they would be happy for me. But they're not.

My Christmas list does have a lot of really sweet people on it. I have been lucky to have the best bestie in the world!!! For over 21 years, we have been as "thick as thieves." Along the way, we lost touch for a few years. It was bound to happen. We lived on separate ends of the USA. But we found our way back. And for the last 2 years, there is no one else that I can turn to more. She has been right by my side through it all. Falling in love, getting married, losing my baby, and the separation. She is right here. I couldn't find a better friend!!!

And of course there is D. He is an incredible guy. He really stepped up after the separation. He helped move me into my house, let me work for him, and even deals with my meltdowns at work. He is a good guy.

Count so far...2...I wish it was 4!

There are also all the amazing people that I have met in the last 2 years. But that I have really leaned on, in the last 6 months. LJ is so high up there. I look at her as a mom. Her daughter, and granddaughters also top the list. The amazing ladies I work with. PH's housekeeper. Friends and coworkers.

Count 6...plus an army of friends!!!

Then there is PH. What do I do? We are married...but separated. Legally bound. But so far apart. I want to get him something. But I don't know what. What is too much? What is not enough? What is appropriate? I don't know any of those answers! I wish I did!!! I put his name down...then scratched it out. 10 times!!! I guess I just need to figure it out. XOXO

They Cuddle

I was reading through my bestie and D's tweets earlier today. They make me sick, but in a good way. Life right now, is not being too kind to them. Not as a pair, but individually. But they stick together like glue. Instead of running away from each other, they cuddle up together. They take the time out of their day, to remember each other. To spend a few moments together. Wrapped up in each other's arms.

The thing that I miss most about my husband, is cuddling. We used to fall asleep wrapped up in each other's arms. I used to wake up, with his arm tightly wrapped around my waist or my back. I miss that. I miss that more than you can imagine!!! I miss watching TV, snuggled into him. Hearing his heartbeat. Smelling his cologne. I miss him. I miss our snuggling.

There was just something about those tweets that made me think of PH. Think of how many times a day we would wrap ourselves up together. Just to hangout. Maybe to watch TV. Whatever. We would snuggle up together. And I miss that. I miss him being right here with me. I wish we would have been more like our friends. Would have cuddled up together, instead of run away from one another, when times got rough. XOXO

He Almost Killed Me

And he didn't even know it! My bestie called me earlier today. Just to let me know there had been a car crash. Before she got everything out, my imagination was running wild. I thought my husband had been hurt. I was kicking myself in the butt. How could we be fighting? What if he was seriously hurt across the country? What was I going to do?

Then my bestie yelled at me. I don't know if I was losing it on the phone or what. But she snapped me out of it! And continued to explain what had happened. My husband was already at work when it happened. He was not involved. But she didn't want me to panic if I had heard anything.

So much for that, huh? My husband doesn't even know it, but he almost caused me to have a heart attack. I guess that is a good sign that I still love him! XOXO

Who Would Have Thought?

Tonight I went to Target. It had been a long and hard day at work. Something that I don't complain about. I like working hard. It makes me feel important, needed. But after work, I was beat. I needed a few things and planned a quick trip to Target, then to pick up something to eat. I figured I would veg out on the couch and watch all the good shows on ABC.

But when I got to Target, I got side tracked. Things caught my eye. Things I would never have expected. Baby stuff. I browsed through the baby department for over an hour. Just thinking. Thinking about what might have been. By now, I would be in the 3rd trimester of my pregnancy. Would PH and I still be happy? Would we be excited for our baby to come? Would we be ready to be parents? Would the baby be a boy or a girl?

I sat there for a long time wondering all of these things. Thinking about PH. Wondering what he was doing at this very moment in time. Does he ever think of the baby we lost? Or is it too hard for him? Will we make it? Will the 2 of us ever be able to put all of this past us? Or are we destined to repeat our parents' patterns? And end up divorced...

I can't help but wonder how different my life would be right now. If only our baby had survived. If only we had known. I miss our baby. Because for a brief moment in time, I knew about this baby, that my husband and I had made out of love. I fell in love with our precious baby. And I hope that our Little Angel will help his/her parents, to find their way back to one another. XOXO

Flying Home

I decided to leave Las Vegas. I still had a few days that I could have stayed. The boss had given me off until Wednesday. And the room was paid for. But what's the point? PH decided to not show up. Not at all. Not even for a few hours! The whole reason I came, was to see him. OK, I wanted to see my bestie perform too. But I wanted to see PH.

This would have been the best situation for both of us. We would have been surrounded by lots of people. An equal amount of friends. Not too awkward or scary. Just the 2 of us, and about 20 of our closest friends. Who knows, we might have gotten a chance to talk. We might have felt sparks. I don't know! But the last time we were out here, we were getting married.

I just couldn't take being here any more. I kept seeing the insane chemistry between my bestie and my boss. They are so perfect for each other. And then there were all these happy and pregnant women. Everyone just so in love. I couldn't take it. I figure I can at least go home and work. Get lost in some sort of project or whatever. I just needed to leave Las Vegas. I was literally running out of air to breath! XOXO

Life Unraveled!!!

I feel like I have hit the lowest of the lows. And I want to go home. To the comfort of my house with all it's unpacked moving boxes and frozen pizza. At least there, I don't feel this bad. But the boss' wife talked me out of it about an hour ago. She saw me trying to leave my room with my bags. I promised to stay until Sunday. But I don't know if I can.

I tried to enjoy a little bit of the sunny weather. It is hot as heck here! But I just couldn't do it. I talked with both my bestie and D. When they say things, the problems don't seem as big. When I think about them, they seem HUGE! I don't know what to do. I know that PH and I need to talk. But I don't want to be an added issue to this stressful time. I'm holding out hope for November. When I know he gets a break from work. A time that I hope to sit and talk with him.

What the heck am I going to do for the next few days? I have to be here until Sunday. Mostly because my bestie asked nicely when we talked. Now I can't go breaking promises with 2 different people! But my bestie told me that just being around shows PH that I still care. I hope it shows him that I still love him. Because I do! But I also need to keep myself busy. And where we are headed until Sunday, there is not much to do. Besides what PH does. I guess I will pick up reading. I need to get a book before we leave. XOXO

We've Lost It!

My hubs and I have! What the hell did we do last night? Here I was all stressed about having to walk in heels. Getting people to wherever they needed to be. In general, doing my job in a fancy dress and high heels!

Then it happened. I walked in and saw him. My husband. Looking all cute in his dress clothes. Laughing away and joking with D. What was I supposed to do? I talked to the other people that were there. I tried to stay focused on my tasks. Tried to keep my mind off of the man that I love more than life itself. As soon as I could, I left the event.

As I left, PH followed. Ran to the car that was taking me back to the hotel. Something that I never expected to happen. Not in a million years. And not matter how hard I tried to resist, I couldn't resist him. Use your imagination. I'm sure you know what happened next. Not that I am complaining. Because Lord I'm not! But where did it get us?

This morning I woke up to find him MIA. And a note from him sitting on the bathroom sink. "Love ya. Sorry about last night. (His initial)" Um, what is that supposed to mean? Is he sorry for what happened? That it happened? That he came around? What the hell is going on? I tried to call. But it went straight to his voicemail. Go figure!

D had called about 20 times the night before. I guess he was worried that I had left the event early. Then around 2AM he was worried about PH. Because he didn't know what had happened to him. I guess D has had to act like our dad for a while now. About 3AM he figured we were together. And left a happy message. Then my bestie called another 20 times, wondering what the heck had happened to me. And why I wasn't answering my phone.

Well, hells bells! I don't know what's going on. I feel like I am walking the Hall of Shame! PH is my husband. I shouldn't feel this way. But I do. I don't regret last night. But I do regret not talking about our problems. Will we ever talk? Will we ever get passed all of this? I don't know. But I am still holding onto hope. XOXO

I Can't Get Him Outta My Head

Today is one of those days. I can't get my hubs out of my head. I just keep thinking about him. Doesn't help that we work together. We pass each other in the halls. All I want to do is stop him so we can talk. But that has to wait. And seeing him walk down the hall just drives me crazy! I want to run up to him and kiss him. Tell him that I miss him.

At work, we are working on a big project. 2 actually. I need to focus on that for now. I need to double check on 20 rooms for next week. But I think they are all going to end up staying at D's new place. Who knows. And helping LJ with some stuff that we are researching. There is so much to do on that project! But we will get it all done.

I leave tomorrow for the West Coast. Another work project thing. But I will get to see the Hubs again. We are on the same flight. Going to the same events. I hope I don't break down. And we can get along. It is going to be difficult to be around him. But not for an obvious reason. More because I miss him. I miss talking to him. I miss his touch. I miss the way he laughs. The look in his eye. I just miss him. Plain and simple. XOXO

I Feel Bad...

I know that PH had a bad day today. I talked to my bestie. Things did not end well for the day. I kinda want to call him and tell him that it will be ok. But I am stopping myself. I don't want to make his day worse. That's all he needs. His wife calling to check on him.

Work wasn't so kind to the guys. But we all have to shake it off. I think I will send him a pizza or something tomorrow. But I feel bad. How does this happen? That we don't talk. But we still have these strong feelings for each other?

Why is life so complicated? Why do we have to be so hardheaded? I wish I knew the answers to these questions. My life would be a lot simpler. 100x's better!

My Sunday night? I will spend it watching Lifetime. Eating Ben & Jerrys. Because it helps. Helps numb all of this. I sound like such a girl! I never used to be like this. But I have turned into one of those girls. The ones that cry at the reveal on Extreme Home Makeover. Or some random commercial. By golly gee! I am a female! XOXO

Everyone is Gone

Pretty typical for a Friday. Everyone is gone for the weekend. That's our life. And work around here. I think about my husband. For the sake of this blog, we will call him PH. For poor husband. I think I have put him through hell and back in the short 7 months that we have been married. I still can't believe it has been 7 months.

But I miss PH. Things went way wrong in June. That is pretty much the last we have really talked. Or spent time together. But I can't help but think about him. He is gone to work. In a different time zone. Trying to consume his time in work and play. I am here, at work. Trying to learn how to deal.

My co-worker/supervisor/friend, LJ (Lady J) tries to help me out. Every morning she helps me with my unruly hair. LJ has tried and tried to teach me how to do my makeup. Not sure if I am actually learning anything. I try. But we still spend the first 30 minutes of our work day, putting my makeup on. I feel like an idiot. Because I am 26 and can't figure it out!

But work is quiet. It gets this way. And I think about PH and our friends. What good it does me? I don't know. But I am waiting another 2 months before I sit PH down for a serious talk. 2 months you ask? In 2 months he has vacation time. I know we won't have to worry about anything. We can sit and talk.

As for today. I am working til noon. Then us girls are going out for lunch. I know they want to go shopping. It will do me some good. I still need lots of stuff to just function in my apartment. I could use some nice clothes for work. I am just a tshirt and jeans girl. But I should look nicer. I am determined to make today a better day! Back to work. XOXO